Life After Divorce

{May 8, 2009}   Anti-versary

April 21, 2009

Playlist Choice: Over You by Daughtry

This day, eight years ago, I married the man I was in love with.  The person I loved most in this world.  The person I wanted to be with more than anything… It should be a day of celebration.

But on this day, eight years later, it is a day of sadness and reflection.  Sadness because things did not work out the way I planned.  Sadness for the children I never had.  Sadness for the misery I allowed this man to inflict on me over the years.  Reflection for the red flags I saw and ignored, and the ones I never noticed.  Times like this allow you to look backward with perfect clarity and see every misstep… every altercation…. every indication that ‘he’s just not that into you.’

The days of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole are over.  A friend reminded me that even when you try to trim the edges to make it fit, there is always friction.  I am not looking for perfection.  I wouldn’t even desire that, being a behavioralist… I know that is not possible.  I know that passion and desire don’t always come in a neat package.  We don’t always fall in love with the person who is best for us…

Sometimes it is just the person who fills the void.

Other times, we love that person with all our might, but it just isn’t enough.  Sometimes you have to make the ultimate sacrifice and do what is best for BOTH parties.  That is what I feel I have done.  It would be EASY to stay.  To ignore things.  To keep moving in a quasi-forward direction.  To grow further apart until we are that old couple living in different rooms and rarely speaking… oh wait… we were already there… at age 32.

It is HARD to implement change.  It is even HARDER to stick with it once the decision has been made.  Not because I wanted to go back, but because it was what I knew.  People never understand this concept until they are in the situation.  Believe me… it is HARD.

But, on this day, I gave myself a silent pat on the back for sticking it out and doing what I feel is right for me, for once.  If he really thought about it… he would realize that too. 

But he didn’t.  He asked me out to celebrate instead. [shaking head]

But what can I say?

I’m a catch!  And it is HIS loss.


beth says:

you are a catch. and he is a moron. and you are right, it is hard. way hard. but you’ll come out stronger on the other side.

Lisalisa says:

Urghhh…I feel for you, I really do. I am going through the same thing. Only he left me. We weren’t married. We were together 10 years, but looking back, he wasn’t committed. We separated 6 months ago. I still want him, but I don’t want the relationship the way it was, and at the time, he didn’t want counselling.

I am going to counselling on my own. I can see my part in it. I have some codependent behaviour I need to work on.

That doesn’t mean I don’t love him and want to try again. But I have to face facts he is gone and dating someone else.

I wouldn’t want him to be with me if he didn’t want to, and he obviously doesn’t.

But he sure does want to be friends.

I can’t do that yet.

He contacted me recently to talk about what we’ve both been going through…I don’t know why. I think it’s just because he feels guilty.

He was bad at making decisions, plans, making changes. I thought we would eventually get married, have a family.

10 years later, with the pressure on from family and from all his friends getting married, he decided I am not what he wants. You wait 10 years to say that??? You knew I wanted marriage and a family years ago!!! But I didn’t leave then.

You are a catch! And he is going to be kicking himself so a LONGGGGGGG time for losing you!

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