Life After Divorce

{October 9, 2008}   The Wedding of My Dreams… mostly

The week of our wedding was a stressful one.  I was working for a local hospital in their HR department and it was benefits open enrollment week.  I had already made arrangements to take the week off to prepare for the wedding, but I got roped into working the first day to help out.  My day began at 2 am when I arrived at the hospital, and didn’t leave until 2 pm.  I was totally stressed, as EVERYTHING that could have gone wrong – did.  After work, Steve and I went to the County Clerk’s office to obtain our marriage license.  After that, I slept for about 14 hours.  I was exhausted!!

The rest of the week was spent sorting out all the final details of the wedding.  I got to relax quite a bit, and watched Mr. Worrywort pace the floors waiting for his anxiety meds to kick in [eye roll].

Thursday night, I was supposed to go to Sam’s to pick up the brisket for the rehearsal dinner on Friday.  But we had been so busy running around, by the time we got there they were closed.  I was a little worried, so I called my best friend’s step dad (who was doing the cooking for us) and told him that I would have to get the meat in the morning.  He proceeded to chew me out that it was supposed to cook all night, he blamed Steve for not getting it for him, blah blah blah.  Needless to say, I was extremely upset.  I called my BFF and told her about the situation.  She chewed out her step dad for stressing me out and told me it was fine to get the food in the morning.

The day of the rehearsal dinner was ok.  I spent most of the day running errands with my BFF’s mom getting things ready for the party.  Steve was still on eggshells, but he was looking forward to the party.  One thing we did not agree on… the Grooms cake!  Oops… slipped into a quote from Steel Magnolias!  Actually, it was the bachelor party.  I was adament that if he was at a strip club the night before our wedding, there would be no wedding.  He thought I was being stupid.  Oh well.  Stupid wins.

The rehearsal dinner was great, sans rehearsal.  We had a cook out and everyone came to hang out and chill.  The plan was to have my bachelorette party (no strippers involved) at the same house as the dinner, and just the age-appropriate girls would stay.  Well… we kicked the guys out (they weren’t happy about it) and ALL the girls stayed.  And when I say “girls,” I mean my aunts… who were drunk.  One ex-aunt in particular was completely sloppy drunk and kept asking questions like, “Tell us about your fantasies.”  I just threw up thinking about it.  [shudder]  I responded, “My dream man is someone who washes the laundry… takes out the trash… does the dishes…”  hehe  So true.  So not the man I married.  Anyway, after several hours of this, we finally got the aunts to go home.  We had a slumber party and passed out.

The day of the wedding was hectic, but fun.  We went to the hair salon, nail salon (mimosas and kolachies in tow), and shoe store before heading over to the wedding/reception site.  We finally made it to the site to drop things off and I was horrified to see that instead of the round reception tables on one side and chairs and an alter on the other – there were round tables all the way up to the alter.  Come on people!!!  This is not dinner theater!  I don’t want people clinking iced tea glasses while I am getting married!!  It’s tacky!  fortunately, my awesome cousin was a large event coordinator for a hotel, so she whipped everyone into shape while I blissfully ignored everything going on around me to check out the rest of the space.  Everything else was perfect!!

We were starving so we ended up going out for lunch (up-dos and all).  We had a really good time (and a few drinks).  It seems my wedding party was bound and determined to get me drunk before my wedding.  Not happening, sisters!  My cousin Jean offered to drive me to Mexico.  Thanks, but no thanks.  I probably should have listened.  Oh well.

The only job I gave Steve the whole time was to find someone to officiate our ceremony.  We are not churchy people, so any JP would do.  He said he knew a guy that would do the trick.  Months earlier, his office had sent us over wedding vows to choose from, and we had selected some that were in between religious and typical J.P.  The first time I met the judge, was standing outside the bride’s room.  He seemed very nice.  He asked me what vows we wanted and I told him I had no idea (come on… it is my wedding day!  This is why we sent them to you 3 months ago!!).  He said, “It was probably this one [taped in his Bible], as it is the most popular.”  He read me a few lines and I said, “Hell No!”  This particular verbiage included something along the lines of, “Will you love her to the best of her usefulness?”  Stupid.  I told him I wanted the middle of the road vows.  He pulls out a legal-sized stack of green papers.  Oh yes… twice the size of the Bible he had them placed in.  Classy.

Then its time.  The music started… The bridesmaids descended the staircase… I get my cue.  Its time!!  I walk across the balcony trying not to look down.  I begin my trip down the stairs hoping that is just a figure of speech.  I see my dad, looking handsome in his tux… and red dog saloon suspenders [sigh – Oh dad!] and then I see a little glimmer of white behind him.  My flower girl, Lexie [age 4] was standing behind my dad, sobbing.  When I got to the bottom, dad explained that when she went down the stairs and everyone turned around to look at her, she went AWOL.  She look at me with big puffy eyes, “Liz walk with me!!!”  We tried to walk with her as best we could, but in the end she stepped on my dress and that was it.  She ended up in the crowd with her mother before I could turn around.

I finally made it down the aisle… my father gave me away.  I took Steve’s hands… we were both trembling.  Then the JP started.  Have you ever seen the wedding scene in Princess Bride?  Well, it goes a little something like, “Mawaige… Mawaige is what bwings us togefah today.”  Ok, so he wasn’t that bad, but he butchered my name… couldn’t pronounce several words in his own vows… and I began to suspect that 5:00 came a little early for him on that day.  Then it happened… “Steve, do you take Elizabeth to be your wife…”  “I do”.  “Steve, do you take Elizabeth to be your husband?”  WTF??  Drunk bastard didn’t bother to change the names around on his giant green cheat sheet.  Everyone is giggling behind us.  Me: [sigh] I do.

Needless to say, Drunken JP didn’t stick around for dinner.  But we did it… we were married.  We had the best reception I could have hoped for.  Steve admitted that it was the best wedding and it was way better than he ever thought it would be [score!].  Actually, EVERYONE said it was the best wedding they had been to.  We served my favorite dish – Chicken Fried Steak.  We had an amazing DJ.  We had a fun photographer.  Everything about it was fun.  If the only thing that goes wrong on your wedding day is a drunk judge and an AWOL flower girl – consider yourself lucky!!

After the ceremony, we went to my grandparents house to visit.  My grandfather had recently suffered his first stroke and wasn’t able to attend.  Since we did not have a video made, we felt it important to tell him all about it. 

We spent our wedding night at a hotel.  Unfortunately, we got married on Beach Party Weekend in Galveston, TX (look it up), so there were people crawling all over the hotel.  We were so exhausted, by the time I got out of the shower, Steve had passed out.  I followed as soon as my head hit the pillow.

fancylori says:

Baahahahaha. THIS IS NOT A DINNER PARTY!!!!!

I looooooooooooooooooove it!!!!!!!!!

Seriously? A dinner party wedding? It never crossed my mind…but it cracks me UP! Of course, it never would have worked as well without a good lounge singer in tow.

AND…stupid always wins. Always, always.

I hate stupid.

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