Life After Divorce

{September 11, 2008}   I Trust You Completely…

Ok, so reading my posts, you are probably thinking that I am insane, or a glutton for punishment for continuing this relationship.  Please remember that I am looking back after 10 years and have a lot of bitterness about the whole thing.  There were many good times (I guess?) and it felt right at the time… sort of…

December 1998

After the monogomy conversation, and a really good month together (for the most part), I remember telling myself… I finally trust this guy.  It was a good feeling.  I felt like we were moving forward past any milestone I ever had in a relationship, up to that point.

One night, I was hanging out at home and got a call from Steve.  I hadn’t seen him in a few days, but had been talking to him on the phone, so I thought everything was cool.  The conversation went something like this:

       Me:  Hello?

      Steve:  Hey.  How are you?

      Me:  Pretty good.  What’s up?

     Steve: (sounding nervous) I have something I need to talk to you about…

     Me: [thinking – Oh Shit… what now?!?!] Um… ok…

     Steve:  I don’t know how to say it.  I don’t know if I was mad at you for the Darryl thing… or just a jerk… but I did something that I am not proud of and I need to tell you about it…

     Me:  [silence – horrible crushing feeling in the pit of my stomach]

     Steve:  I met someone online and… I don’t know why… I slept with someone else. [crying]  I feel terrible about it.  I can’t believe I did it…

     Me:  Sonofabitchmotherfucker&&)(*)(*&^% ^#@^!*@#&#@!*^&!@#)#&@!  I can’t believe you did this to me.  NO.  This is unacceptable.  You are not going to spring this shit on me over the phone like a coward.  I will be there in 30 minutes and you will look me in the eye and tell me what you did.

I was completely crushed.  I was numb.  Sonofabitch!  Just when I was really ready to trust someone…

I hopped in my car and flew over there.  I am not sure why I was so intent on the face to face confrontation.  It seemed very important at the time.  I don’t know why I didn’t tell him to go fuck himself and be done with him forever.  It seems like the logical thing to do.  But, I am not always a logical person under pressure.

I made him tell me everything, even as painful as it was to hear.  I wanted to know who she was, if he was going to see her again, why he did it.  He was crying, and so was I.  It was terrible.  He was begging my forgiveness, of which I had none.  But somewhere in my mind… I couldn’t end it.  It seemed like he would be winning and could go screw the whore as much as he wanted.  I was an idiot.   I wouldn’t let him touch me for a long time.  I was shaken, numb, and just plain speechless.  For whatever reason my 22-year old brain could come up with – I stayed.  More out of spite than love, I am afraid.

It took me a long time to get past what he had done.  In fact, to be honest, I am still not over it.  It was a major betrayal, and he has suffered dearly for it over the years.  I will admit that I have used that in a lot of fights.  It has become the basis for my insecurity.  It would have been so easy just to leave… but I didn’t.  I stayed.

I am a douche…


FancyLori says:

I totally get the “I think there were good times?” but not really remembering because of the bitterness you feel now.

It’s amazing the situations we get into and allow ourselves to stay in because we are young or have low self-esteem or a million other very seemingly good reasons.

But we are older now and these life lessons have gifted us with the ability to move forward in wiser ways. I have faith that we will.

And please don’t forget — you are absolutely fabulous.

I love you.

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